In the effort to keep things just a tad bit lighter, (no worries for those of you who thrive on my darker side) and particularly on this day before the day before the shortest day of the year, one which started with Calvin's seizure, here are a few quotes from one of my favorite comedians, Steven Wright:
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Half the people you know are below average.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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| Steven Wright |
Loved these! Thank you.
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